Well here I am
I procrastinated over whether or not to start a blog as another form of self expression, here I am giving this a shot for the experience and seeing where it goes, I needed a place to express my views and beliefs on life and also to help express parts of my deep thinking pen to
opaper is good but sharing it with the world can make a difference in the smallest way so here I go embarking on this new project of self expression
#life #deepthinking #awareness #sharing
It’s not often that it creeps up but when it does it can be a pretty downing feeling to have, it can leave you feeling in the dark and blinded so to speak.
It hit me last night after I’ve spent all day at work even hung out with a friend in the Morning I still felt lonely I Still felt absolutely and utterly lonely regardless.
Even knowing I have loving caring supportive people around me I still felt lonely regardless, going from work at 11pm at night can be either be the highlight to ones day or the dread to someones day.
As I sit here on my couch watching the rain fall as fast as my thoughts flow through my mind I still can’t shake this feeling, its like I’m over the whole friendships behind a phone screen or coming home to an empty house or not being able to share my day with anyone because there is physically noone there and you’ve had an utter gutful of talking to someone through a phone.
Digital technology has taken us further away from our closest friends and turned friendship into a convenience more so than anything.
It seems to me people can pick up a phone to call me but I can’t pick up a phone to call them as I go through these struggles.
I think in today’s world we are more and more taking friendship’s for granted, abusing the privilege of having great beautiful people in our Lives, using people up or treating them as a convenience rather than a friend.
I see it more and more through my own eyes from observing the behaviours of those around me and also through my past behaviors also where I very much acted In the same manner taking them for granted.
We utilise the convenience of technology to maintain friendships in both a good and bad way, I’ve experienced both the good and bad as most of you probably have and it sucks it can actually hurt when you see the true nature of things.
- We expect our friends to support and respect our decisions but will not support theirs
- Rather than understanding each to their own we just end a friendship because its more convenient than having mutual respect
- We can’t agree to disagree one always has to be right
- We block people out of convenience rather than just taking a step back to process aka a knee jerk reaction
- We end one friendship and hop straight onto another until that one hits a kink in the road.
Sadly these are all truths both myself and others have acted out and experienced, were too afraid to see a human being for their true nature as it seems to scare us or we struggle to understand that we can agree to disagree and leave it at that.
True friendships are built on
- Kindness and
- Tough times
If your ending a friendship based on the fact that your views are not agreed with then its you that’s the problem and not the other person.
DIFFICULT PEOPLE OR DIFFICULT THINKING?
The last few days I’ve taken a step back from the world, the conversations, interactions and contributions and just observed the world around me.
Its left me feeling sad but also beautiful inside, I see compassion and kindness at every turn, love, unconditional acceptance and growth all around me along with the imperfections given to me by the gallery of nature.
I’ve learned to slow everything down just to see its true beauty, we all would like to go in a fast car screaming down the highway or trying to get somewhere in a hurry its part of today’s world but imagine just taking the time, slowing down life to a few kilometers or miles per hour just to see what’s truly around you for a moment, you will be Suprised at not just the physical nature you see but the human nature you will see.
Also with this slowing down of life I’ve seen another side to human nature it saddens me, that we are willing to disown a fellow human being for view the world differently, we are quick to assume the worst in everything, we are quick to judge one before looking at our true reflection.
The biggest one that saddens me the most is the suffering We are causing ourselves through attachment to the past and future, we live there it seems and inevitably can die there, we have expectations of fellow souls, that cause even more suffering through acting disappointed or angry, we have allowed our own beliefs to be the only one people should respect rather than respecting every individual as the human being they are.
Its okay to have opinions, beliefs and so forth but remember there are 7 billion people in the world, by disowning another human being for having a different view to you is only hurting yourself through lack of compassion.
Well after much procrastination and self talk and umming and ahhing I decided to chuck myself back into the dating abyss lol
So far its been a week and I’ve managed to build up a pretty good dialogue with one lady, as usual she catches my attention and as usual I start over thinking lol, oh lordy this is familiar territory, so I’ve been talking to her for a good week or so now.
Bouts of over thinking bouts of free flowing moments, I want to question the little things she says like calling me handsome or why the hell is she still talking to me after shes had to deal with my overthinking and self doubt.
So I haven’t really spoken to her today, but my usual overthinking has popped in and out and I’m sitting here thinking is this what dating is all about or am I over playing it, I know I should have no expectations and just be me which I have no problems with but its the whole conversation thing how long do you chat to these people before meeting them and so on.
So I carried out some self destructive behavior tonight an oldie but a goodie *rolls eyes* …….well done over thinking Andrew….
I blocked her number into my spam list then 20 mins later I removed it as I figure there’s nothing going to be achieved from this sabotaging behavior and the only person losing out is me potentially.
*BANGS HEAD ON WALL*
It only takes a ripple to disturb the calm
A tide to unsettle the silence
A wave to destroy the Clarity
I have spent the last two days in over thinking mode, constantly analyzing things and situations I know I shouldn’t and I just cannot shake it, I am trying to move forward but my thoughts keep dragging me backwards.
The calm of my lake now has a million ripples in it, why has this happened why am I back into this old method of behavior, no matter where I’ve been even the gym or at work its been there with me, I miss the calm lake I had where it was just pure flat empty silence with not a ripple or noise.
I wish I could find It again I feel lost without this peaceful mind I once had I trust the journey is trying to teach me something as always so I must sit with the ripples, waves and tides until such time I will come to be at peace again.
As I sit here, with my overthinking and anxiety and loneliness I reflect on yesterday.
Where I expressed to someone how I felt about them, yes I felt relieved some what but the day progressed my anxiety and over thinking crept in to a point where I wanted to push this person away or keep them at arms length.
It’s a struggle for me to let someone close to my heart, I’ve kept a lot of people at arms length or even more as it feels comfortable that way as I realise the minute someone is remotely getting close to my heart I will either shut down, self sabotage or push them away to a safer distance.
It feels safer this way, comfortable and less chance of being hurt.
I want to let go of all this and not have to fear being hurt or letting someone get close to my heart, as we all do hurt its natural as people will come and go and pain helps us grow.
I wish there was an easy way to work through this.