Well here I am
I procrastinated over whether or not to start a blog as another form of self expression, here I am giving this a shot for the experience and seeing where it goes, I needed a place to express my views and beliefs on life and also to help express parts of my deep thinking pen to
opaper is good but sharing it with the world can make a difference in the smallest way so here I go embarking on this new project of self expression
#life #deepthinking #awareness #sharing
Experienced a sensation of anger and frustration which I intentionally brought on by revisiting past rejections that have occured in my life, the sensation was scary to say the least, experiencing the power of anger through revisiting those experiences.
I think death is less painful in today’s digital world then that of being rejected, disapproved, turned away, as it damages our self esteem, triggers anxiety and if we let it, can also diminish our self worth, we are social beings by nature, so they need to connect is always strong, we often struggle to connect with ourselves before we connect with the world and we often reject ourselves more than we accept, we starve for connection and belonging and to be rejected starves us even more like a lion that hasn’t fed in days.
Death we can mourn and overcome, yes the pain exists and will for sometime but there is no act of rejection in death, nobody dies as a sign of rejecting someone because its a part if life we all eventually succumb too.
But the pain of rejection, makes us feel like we are being starved of social connectedness so we form an angry perspective on the world and take on the rebellious one man army approach the mighty “I don’t need nobody to accept me” when in fact all that merely is about is exercising your pain suffered through rejection.
How have I dealt with the pain rejection?
Very hard, overtime you build a great resistance to it, until a point where you no longer feel pain but rather release, like a boxer who’s taken many hits you just get back up stronger each time.
Apologies don’t mean your a bad person or always in the wrong just means you take ownership for you at the end of the day.
Well no word of a lie today was abad day, it started with me having an agitated state of mind being agitated at myself for making a decision whilat also knowing that I needed to take ownership for that decision but I just got increasingly agitated.
The graph represents what my day has looked like, most of it because of My own doing, I carried a lot of anger, frustration, annoyance inside me and unfortunately I couldn’t get it under control it just took the words of one person “your pathetic” to send me into an angry rage causing me to let rip on them not knowing they had bigger issues going on.
Attempting to take ownership for it amidst the fire just made it worse m, the apologies just made it worse as then guilt for my actions were thrown into the mix, I went from a few days of riding a High to crashing like a bird out of the sky thudding into the ground, frustrated with not being able to fly.
I haven’t had a bad day like this in yonks and sadly people became collateral damage as a result of that, how do you even handle that bad day especially when collateral damage has been done and you just feel like its easier to hide away from the world, the joys of reaching out through social media certainly has its cons especially when your in abad frame of mind.
A friend told me I should start with saying sorry to myself, where does begin to say sorry to themselves when they struggle to muster up a respectable genuine apology to a friend, I also started questioning my self worth as I felt I’m only ever good enough to be the person of advice even though I knew that wasn’t true I was battling this story in my head all day as well coupled with the anger and guilt I was one big fucken mess.
I may be carrying on but this is just me trying to make sense of it all but in a nonsensical manner.
So I had a little melt down in the early hours of Saturday morning which lasted for a few hours as I felt that my needs hadn’t been met and mostly the last 3-4 weeks I had been fulfilling the needs of everyone else on both a professional and personal level.
I had this idea all along that having needs was selfish and we should constantly be fulfilling others and being continually of service when in reality we have needs we all do from the day we leave the womb we have needs for food, nurturing and comfort to the day we die we have needs for peace, comfort and support as we pass into the next life, the challenge I faced was how do I fulfill my needs?
Especially physical ones? Such as intimacy when its not available, affection and comfort? For those who have those needs available may also struggle with having them fulfilled because of their lack of communication so as one does they expect the world to read their mind much like myself had been doing and that ends up in a boil over of frustrations of emotions.
- YOU mUst take OWNERship for YOUR NEEDS,
- YOU mUst CommunIcate YOUR NEEDS
- YOU mUst fInd a way to fUlfill Needs that YOU can’t have met there and then in an HONEST and CONSIDERATE way that DOESN’T HURT another HUMAN
It’s okay to have needs as we all do but remember ownership and communication is a must without the expectations.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night and overnight and have realised something.
Dating apps and sites seem to market themselves and profiteer on providing that one essential need of the 6 needs we have and that’s connection, as most of us roam this earth never truly experiencing love so we settle for connection instead.
Hence dating apps will commonly use the term connect, connection or connected in some catchy slogan, they match people through interests so you connect, as you can’t match people through love as that’s an internal thing but also what Is love anymore? I believe its been lost in translation and now become over and misused we often use its term to maintain or attract connection aswell.
Dating apps don’t provide love for us neither do they instantly bring us the love of our life as in all honesty we don’t love ourselves enough or we don’t treat ourselves as our own internal one true love, we go out and seek it like the buried treasure that exists as a story in our mind but never physically, spiritually or emotionally.
How well connected with yourself? Ask yourself that next time before seeking connection in the name of love through the dating world.
I have broken many of my previous thought and behaviour patterns, some still a working progress, but I seem to be snagged on this one particular pattern of behaviour and it’s to do with friendships and I often encounter it but yet to break it or retool to manage it.
I’ve always struggled with maintaining friendships, I’ve usually pushed them because I have an ideal of how a friendship should be and it when it doesn’t fall into that ideal I fall off the wagon, I either push them away or shut them out of my life or just pretend everything is okay when in fact it’s not and the underlying behaviour is still prominent, I so badly wish to break this behaviour pattern but I can’t every time I encounter it I fall short and repeat the same behaviour cycle.
I start questioning my worth, am I being used/(if my perception leans this way I push them away) or what’s their agenda, I start creating a really negative story in my head about myself and this person, in most cases I feel it’s easier to just push them away and move on.
I also started asking myself tonight why am I that friend that does all the asking out but never gets asked out, another negative story I have started to tell myself as well, this is proving to be an outright challenge as I love helping people but and don’t want to be that person that helps with expectations or ideals anymore, I cringe at the word friendship sometimes as well or shy from calling anyone a close friend because I know my ideals get the better of me.
Can’t a human being just have awesome friendships where someone is as thoughtful about them as they are about the other I guess my ideals are truly getting the better of me and hopefully one day I will be able to break the behaviour pattern rather than have no faith in human kind.
When you come to think of it, life isn’t really painful at all, it’s the story in which we tell ourselves that makes it seem painful, when in all fact it’s not painful if anything at all at the end of the day.
You can make All the excuses you want about why your life is apparently painful I will still call bullshit as I have someone in my life that’s proven pain is no boundary to living life, odds can be defied when you don’t use pain as a barrier or in some cases as an excuse, we use pain as an excuse to stay comfortable, we use pain as a reason to connect with another, we create our own pain to gain sympathy and empathy so people will come running to us out of obligation.
Yes pain exists but it’s only going to last as long as you chose to let it, don’t let your mind dictate how pain will affect you otherwise you will spend your whole life being a servant to your mind and that very pain will become the epicentre of your life’s story in a bad way.
You have to train your mind and re write the story, recreate the mental blueprint or whatever it is you need to do in your mind in order to seize control of your life.