Well here I am
I procrastinated over whether or not to start a blog as another form of self expression, here I am giving this a shot for the experience and seeing where it goes, I needed a place to express my views and beliefs on life and also to help express parts of my deep thinking pen to
opaper is good but sharing it with the world can make a difference in the smallest way so here I go embarking on this new project of self expression
#life #deepthinking #awareness #sharing
Someone told me the other day its an excuse that’s in the way of my happiness.
In part that may be true, not going to disagree here, but as I lay here at 130am with a head fogged like a winters morning, to me it’s a reality it’s one of the biggest demons I have battled daily.
Every now and then something comes good and I’m fine I feel like I can tackle the world, then a simple act as coming home from work like a tonne of other people do, can trigger that demon and then I’m back to square one, battling this demon, entering into a depressive, frustrated and sometimes angry questionable state of mind.
What is loneliness to me, its like being that puppy dog in the window of a pet store, waiting to be bought, you get all excited when someone shows interest in you, wagging your tail and pouncing around the pen, that’s me when someone new comes into my life I get all excited because their showing interest in me so I wag my proverbial tail in excitement until I realise their just passing by to admire the view and leave.
Loneliness is living a life in anticipation of the next time you won’t be lonely, it’s a demon to me I fight more regularly than most, this is by no means knocking any current friendships I have but in a way it is as I also crave a particular type of company one with in depth and deep side to it and not just the awkward silences or same old idle chatter.
I could go on for hours about this but this is what it is too me, my blogs and vblogs ooze loneliness
You are the conveyor of your own destiny and only you can be the victim or the victor of your circumstances in life
You are the conveyor of your emotions
You are the conveyor of your choices
You are the conveyor of your decisions
You are the conveyor of your attitude
As I perch myself upon a branch of life, observing the world from a birds eye view.
What do I see?
What do I hear?
What do I feel?
I see people judging people, criticizing, underestimating acting in fear, loving and giving unconditionally, being patient but impatient, talking a good game but acting a poor one out.
What do I hear, words of fear, cries of pain, words of criticism, acts of kindness, acts of unkindness, a lot of talk, useless noise, insecurity and ego.
What do I feel, frustration, gratitude, love, perplexed don’t ask why I don’t know its just a set of feelings I share when I hear and see what we do in this world.
As I sit here, reflecting and watching life, I realise I am yet to find my passion, whilst I encounter people whom have a direction in life that are seemingly younger than me, I still find myself ultimately without a direction or a passion, I love my career and what it’s become, I love helping people but still within that career I cannot pinpoint a passion that comes out of it.
I don’t know what to study, I don’t know which path to take as Gary Vanyerchuck roughly quotes “Just keep doing until you find something” I’m still doing and still not finding lol, I’ve hit 35 and sometimes feel like time is running out.
Our pursuit of a passion comes through trial and error, persistence and resilience I believe, I know I cannot just settle for a life, but rather I want an experience I want to serve a purpose before leaving this earth, it’s not the size of the purpose but the quality at which you serve your fellow human beings that matter.
Not every battle is fought with bullets and bombs involving blood and guts, some are fought in the silent dark.
Some heroes don’t have medals to show their valor and courage in the line of fire, some heroes have hidden scars, we may never see, some have a, some people fight and fight and survive and never earn a medal and never expect one for their courage in the line of invisible fire and well concealed enemies.
Mental health is that silent in the dark battle that some people are in the trenches with daily, firing off rounds of anxiety and invisible nonexistent enemies, ducking bullets of social life, putting on a bullet proof vest of anti social attitude as to avoid the reality and light of the world.
Sometimes an alli is they need but the radio one pushes to communicate falls silent as the words we want “send help” never come out instead they go on to fight their own battles in the darkness of life’s trenches.
I’m no military expert nor will I ever intend to be I just find this as an easy way to communicate what mental health issues may feel like for some in today’s world.
If you push that button on the radio let the comms know to send you help there is no harm or weakness in requesting fire support for mental health
As I’ve learned recently, we spend so much time painting a picture of the ideal life we should have.
- How our career should be
- How our relationships/love life should be
- How our friendship’s should be
- Basically how life in general should be.
We ultimately create this great big beautiful picture, what happens when it doesn’t come out the way we’ve painted it?
Instead it comes out in a smudged mess like a grade 1 finger painting with no contures, no clarity, no clearly marked sections, we have become so addicted to this image that we are constantly screwing it up with every disappointment but then quickly pulling it back out of the bin because that’s our comfort, that picture, that image is our absolute comfort and fallback as we are afraid to just let go and let the painting in essence paint itself without your hand on the brush.
Nothing ever comes out as it should in life, though we can still have what we want in life we just have to give someone else the paint brush and sit back letting ourselves see the masterpiece unfold.
What happens when your life comes full circle, old behaviors resurface, old attitudes creep their way in, you’ve worked so hard to not go back down that path but inevitably you end up back around to that circle, that point in time where you originally chose to make a difference for the future in your life.
As I try to screw up the picture I have painted for myself and life, I keep unraveling it, something compels me to live by this picture as much as I know its apart of my demise at this point in life, I want to burn this picture but I’m too attached to it causing myself suffering with no one else to blame other than myself.
I allowed those to enter my life, I allowed those to dictate too me how I defined friendships, I must take full responsibility but I don’t want to as I want to blame everyone else other than myself for allowing this all to happen and unfold.
It feels lonely and cold, I try to clutch onto those around me even though I know they’re not good for me even though I know the picture is merely a myth that I have somehow become attached to, It really can feel like a cold and lonely world, I want the warmth of love but can’t love myself enough to bring it into my universe to raise my vibration to act on the law of attraction.
This is my full circle life to date, there has been pain and confusion I removed many people from my life in the push of a button, they were good people not bad but in my heart I felt I deserved better in the sense of how much value I held in their friendships compared to how much they held in me, I know it may sound egotistical but I have spent many a month caring for others through a phone screen, at the drop of a hat a text, a video call it seems that’s what my friendships existed of and no matter how much I got out there in the real world it all seemed to back fire, make a chance encounter with an amazing connection only to have it dissapear.
As much as I wanted to deny myself that everything was merely an experience not to be attached to, I was lonely, purely and utterly lonely.