Learning new ways to express myself

Well here I am

I procrastinated over whether or not to start a blog as another form of self  expression, here I am giving this a shot for the experience and seeing where it goes, I needed a place to express my views and beliefs on life and also to help express parts of my deep thinking pen to

opaper is good but sharing it with the world can make a difference in the smallest way so here I go embarking on this new project of self expression 

#life #deepthinking #awareness #sharing

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HITTING THE STOP BUTTON ON REVOLVING DOOR FRIENDSHIPS

Why do we allow people to come and go in our lives, come in and out of our lives and act as if nothing happened?

  • They never ask how you’ve been
  • They always just pop back into your life and act as if nothing has happened?
  • They make arrangements but never follow through or always cancel at the last minute?
  • Show little to no consideration for your time at all.

I’ve learned some of these as of late and never paid attention to it in all honesty until now, when I started valuing loyalty and commitment and soon realised “revolving door friends”, needed to have the door slammed on them or the stop button pushed in order to prevent their never ending revolving.

Its a tough call to make but sometimes we have to do it, we have to speak up to them put the ball in their court or try and fix the breakdown in the friendship, if you sense like me that they don’t have those values and don’t value your presence then in the infamous words of Gloria Gaynor’s I I Will Survive:

Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore

With that send them packing back out that revolving door and hit that almighty stop button, there clearly comes a point in time with your life where you can no longer accept this kind of behavior in your life, you must know your worth and value it or you will be the revolving door.

I’m not saying don’t make friends or invest time but pay attention to actions, exercise your values and don’t settle, you can’t fix everyone especially revolving door friends otherwise you will end up with them walking in circles in that door.

I SUCK AT EXPRESSING EMOTIONS

Right now I’m feeling a tad ashamed a tad foolish and, feel like running and hiding like a school kid embarrassed at a school assembly.

Its not often for me that I’ve ever felt comfortable in sharing my feelings with someone or feeling so comfortable with someone that I can just openly express myself.

Enter this person who’s done nothing but given me that comfortable feeling in order to do that until now, where they expressed they’re not really sharing the same feelings as I am per say “not ready to rush into anything”.

These words triggered emotions of shame and embarrassment inside of me, to a point of where I want to just withdraw from expressing these feelings with them.

My previous dating and relationship experiences have culminated in me essentially hiding away my feelings with anyone, as I felt or assumed that most didn’t feel or wouldn’t reciprocate, so rather than face the shame of emotional rejection I just didn’t allow myself to openly express my emotions.

Long story short I simply don’t deal with emotional expression well as I associate it with a lot more negatives than I do positives at the end of the day.

We can’t be afraid to live, laugh, love and feel because of our past

Life sucks sometimes, love hurts alot and happiness seems to be intermittent.

We’re scared to love because it hurts to much

We’re scared to be happy because it will dissapear quickly

We’re scared to feel, because we think no one else feels the same about us

We’re afraid to live, because we know death exists

The good things in life are confronting for some of us, because our past has taught us, to guard up and after the countless hits our belief system and heart takes, we lock ourselves away, we’re too afraid to tell someone how we truly feel about them, because we are afraid of rejection.

Its like locking away the cookie jar to punish a child, as we lock away all that is good to punish our inner child, all the good feelings in life are like that cookie jar, we see it but don’t want to open it and put our hand in there to taste it, so to resist temptation we instead seal it away in a hidden place, denying ourselves the feelings(cookies).

Once we’ve made it out of sight and out of mind, we non longer have to entertain the thought in fear and if that the thought appears, we punish ourselves in some way.

All feelings are confronting some more than others, we can watch a horror movie and never be scared but the thought of love, scares us.

Stop locking the cookie jar away and denying the child inside the right to feel all the good things(cookies).

DATING: STOP ACCEPTING THE SHITTY BEHAVIOR

As I take the dating world a tad more serious I’m watching the behavior of others closely, as I notice that some of us have really shitty, dismissive behaviour and we have become accepting of how its okay to treat people like shit, with a lack of honesty, integrity or even basic decency.

Its like we’ve become accepting of this “ghosting” behavior, from speaking with others and witnessing it myself, we’ve become both dismissive of it and accepting as well, like its okay to treat another human being with such rudeness, “oh its okay it happens to everyone” or “thats just how it is”

Hell hell hell no, this is the kind of behavior that annoys me, meanwhile they’re all preaching honesty “I want no cheaters or players” but they themselves can’t even give a person honesty, its not intimidating to be honest, just that stupid story you tell yourself that honesty is scary that drives you to either ghost or be dishonest, apparently we’re meant to sit back and merely excuse this SHITTY BEHAVIOR.

Your shitty behavior is why your single or in toxic relationships constantly or dating shitty people, the more accepting we are of this shitty behavior and allowing people to treat others like this, the less empowered and strong we are, the weaker our personal boundaries are and we just let anyone or anything in ultimately.

Speak up, even if they don’t respond, plant a seed, that may make them think about or before they engage someone else as you may just save someone a bit of heartbreak or time wasted (just dont expect reactions from the people you have a go at)

Just remember though, be tactful and respectful when communicating your thoughts even though yes a hint of emotion will be apart of it dont let it consume the whole message.

As Mark Manson says in his book the subtle art of not giving a fuck

-Sometimes we have to turn our arsehole switch on- as we learn something about ourselves and the other person.

Lost hope and No faith

Honestly feeling like I’ve lost my spice for life, I feel disconnected from the world, feel empty, lost and losing faith by the day.

I feel no where near present in today’s world, I feel nothing but sheer emptiness a broken WiFi signal or one lacking in strength and the further my head takes me away from the present the weaker that signal becomes.

It feels like nothing’s gone right, feels like no matter what I try, it never happens, I know everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to just not have a single thing go right

Cue affirmations and quotes

“Sometimes not getting your way is a stroke of luck”

“Blessing in disguise”

“Everything happens for a reason”

And so on and so on and so on.

What if some of us are sheerly destined to not have friendships, to not have intimate relationships, to never feel love or to never have anything in our lives go right? (Insert pessimism)

I kinda just feel like wtf is going on right now, I feel like just leaving town and becoming a nomad(but you have responsibilities), I wish to go back to that place a year ago where I was sheerly connected the signal was strong and I was ever present and nothing seemed like it was going wrong and if it did, I was able to alter my perspective in order to change my situation.

Now I’m playing the victim, angry, dismayed and whatever other words you associated with that, people tell me I should see a councillor, I tell then I don’t trust a professional that reads from a book and probably a book I could most likely find on the internet sadly, yes I’m being pessimistic etc but at what point does the bubble burst, I want a different approach to fix this not the same old approach people keep telling me and no its not a secret message from the universe.

It’s more like people go to the first thing they know and that’s a medical professional, I want to take a different course of action to reconnect and heal, once again becoming present and mindful with life.

Dating experiences 1 & 2

Well I’ve had a couple of interesting dating experiences in the past fortnight and they do leave with a laugh.

Date 1: talked for a bit on POF(plenty of fish) decided to meet, so we met and had what I thought was a nice lunch, yes I’m a messy eater and yes the spiciness of the food caught me off guard leaving me in a disorientated coughing fit, little did I know my date was analyzing all this, we parted ways after the date, messaged her a few times non reply, so I basically said if your not interested let me know and that opened a can of worms.

Basically I’m a sloppy eater, with snot running down my nose and allegedly coughed on her food, my response was why didnt you say something then and there, rather than hold off or effectively ghost me post date, I know no one is perfect, even me at my best is clumsy lol, but the lack of face to face honesty just irritated me a tad, I said to her I was grateful for the experience and left it at that.

Date #2

This one was a week and a half’s conversation via tinder and 20 mins in person, I walked to her location of the hotel where she had dinner, so she didn’t have to walk to our meeting point alone, I told her I quickly needed a bite to eat, so we found a food court, I went to grab some food and she said she was heading outside for a smoke(never told me she smoked at all) my gut instinct told me she was ditching the date and sure enough text message came through 10 mins later saying “just threw up in toilet heading home” my reply in anger was “yeh like I didn’t see that coming” and “lose my number as I don’t deal with people like you”

So far my experiences in the dating world have been short lived and somewhat boggling but one thing I’ve learned is that old gut instinct isn’t far from being right and when you feel it follow it.