Learning new ways to express myself

Well here I am

I procrastinated over whether or not to start a blog as another form of self  expression, here I am giving this a shot for the experience and seeing where it goes, I needed a place to express my views and beliefs on life and also to help express parts of my deep thinking pen to

opaper is good but sharing it with the world can make a difference in the smallest way so here I go embarking on this new project of self expression 

#life #deepthinking #awareness #sharing

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Connections like the tides

As I sit here in the dark, looking out the window of my lounge room, asking myself why do I have this feeling, these feeling of loneliness and envy, the answer eludes me, I know its part of unfinished and un-handled business on my part also.

As I know that this is just an emotion, a feeling and a passing moment that wants to teach me something, an attempt to distract myself is met with mindless scrolling through the news-feed of my Facebook and Instagram accounts, why is this feeling still cropping up, I have become comfortable majority of the time with my own company, I guess deep down I am starving for that connection in a way as well, as connections come every day for most of us, just that connection with a spark is what ignites a fire in us, they seem to wither away like a candle in the wind so to speak or come with the highs and lows like the oceans tide.

I question life itself and these connections, are they too teaching me something, especially when you connect with someone on multiple levels and the energy levels spike, the enthusiasm spikes and then boom it falls, someone retreats like a shadow into the nights darkness, leaves you asking essentially what the hell, how can a connection just like that have the energy zapped out of it  so quickly, is it one fearing this is too good to be true? is it one unable to handle the energy and the connection as so much that they run in fear of what could be, that’s where life gets difficult for me, as I thrive on deeper connections, so deep one can get immersed or even lost in it and forget the world around them.

Connection for me isn’t a matter of two people conversing it’s a matter of forgetting the world exists in that very moment, essentially a bubble, an alternate universe and mirror of time and a reflection of that moment, time becomes irrelevant  and every word spoken comes with meaning, depth and clarity, my starvation for a deeper connection is like ones starvation for food after exercising without eating, I feel that also the universe is starving me to test me in a way, a game of patience and wits to see if I can hold on to eventually collide with that deep connection that doesn’t just spark and flame out but sparks, flames and grows.

WHO AM I

As I sit here passing time I enter a time of reflection, as also at this time In my life I am once again entering another uncomfortable, challenging growth phase.

A year ago I wasn’t the same man as I am today, two years ago I wasn’t the same man as I am today and three years ago i was only a quarter of the man I am today, growth requires massive sacrifice, massive uncomfortable rides like that of a long bus ride in a hard seat on old potholed roads, the way life has challenged me lately has tested me, pushed me and even left me in tears of frustration asking why why why and what the fuck!!

Yes I have felt the eyes of judgement on me, the breaths of criticism and the heart beat of isolation, I always thought it’s great to fit in, it’s great to have a big circle of friends but I for some reason am stuck in no mans land I’m compelled to walk, talk, stand and believe alone but on the other a tinge of loneliness dares me to comprise me to be that triangle trying to fit into a square puzzle.

There is no Navman or tomtom to navigate me through this period, as I have asked the universe to challenge me and so it has with this phase of my life

The deep thinker

As I’ve embraced this part of me it’s also proven to be a testing challenge, as the way in which I see the world is that of a between the lines, deep in the ocean, beyond the realms of what my eyes see and more so what the depths of my mind process, as I share my experiences and thoughts with the world it’s proven to be a challenge for me, as I struggle with the concept of being understood, my deep thinking shouldn’t be seen as a threat to your way of life but a gift I wish some would see the world through my eyes for a moment to understand me.

Life’s got you against the ropes

Life can seem like your a boxer against the ropes, people throwing punches of criticism, personal agenda’s, judgement, hate and even illness or injury , distain for every punch that is missed one is landed and it seems like a never ending barrage, 12 rounds of boxing can seem like 12 hours of your life and the more hits you take the more you get frustrated and you just want to come out swinging wildly in hope one punch will land.

As I’m coming to learn wild punches, emotional retaliation achieves nothing as your playing into that dark side of life’s hand, you have to be tactical with your comeback, you have to step forward into the punches of life and throw one through that open window even if its a split second.

This is what life can be like  sometimes and its a never ending barrage of criticism, hate and judgement and personal health issues beyond your control, I’ve let the criticism absorb me and leave me clinging onto the ropes like a half knocked out fighter, the fight in me hasn’t been to step into the punches I’ve just swung wildly and wasted energy.

Life is always going to have you against the ropes just step into one punch at a time and land tactical blows control your come back .

As the wind blows

As I stand on the platform awaiting the train to take me to the destination.

I feel the gush of wind from the tunnel as my expected vessel is arriving on time.

I close my eyes and inhale feeling the wind on my skin like its peeling away layers of me that were merely apart of a mould of the former being.

I asked the brief but gusting wind to take away my ego, anxiety, frustrations and stresses of the world, to carry them onward down the tunnel ahead of my vessel to their destination which to me is unknown but separate from where I wish to be.

A gush of  wind, a down pour of rain a close of the eyes and visualisation can wash away anything were holding onto, stand in the wind and storm let it take away your pain and attachments to live on.