For over 2 years now I’ve been battling anxiety and depression more so the anxiety than anything I have my periods of good bad and ugly I’ve had a great run for the last 5 months where everything appeared to be turning around.
For the last few weeks I’ve noticed myself feeling cranky, unmotivated and insecure, some days even feeling like just being grateful is a chore, the world sometimes feels lonely and empty I feel that this journey is hurting more and more and becoming frustrating with trying to understand all this change taking place to the point where the last 24 hours my anxiety took over coupled with my over thinking and feelings of loneliness.
I cancelled a meet up with a friend because I expected them to cancel or forget as that seems to be the norm of life rather than just let it go my anxiety painted a negative light and said let’s cancel it as to avoid the latter disappointment, so I did and nothing I said to them made logical sense but I couldn’t take back control from my anxiety it was proving harder to let go of, I haven’t done this in a long time and it’s scared me to a point where I feel bitter towards them for an unknown is reason.
Its been a tug of war between my conciense and my anxiety, I feel angry at the world I feel angry at life I feel frustrated in general and then I feel lonely like theres no one that will understand me and its like a merry go round in my head.
Even listening to a dahma talk by a Buddhist teacher on attachment did nothing to heal me, I am in a small amount of suffering right now, empty angry lost I know this isn’t permanent but it feels like an eternity of battling to me.
The world is feeling a tad lonely right now