In the last 48 hours I’ve experienced so many emotions I stupidly even ended a friendship because of them.
I was having a conversation with a friend when I came out with this….
“Just gonna push my night through work I’m not used to the idea of having people support me as I’ve only ever had people who either support me some of the way, criticise me or not support me at all my parents struggle to give that kind of support a child needs so I never honestly felt capable or worthy of receiving support on any level so I tend to do things on my own and same goes for work very seldom have I had support from those above me or even belief from those above me and somehow I’ve had. To give my team the support they need on the back of receiving none myself whatsoever.”
I listened to my own words and the unfurling of layers came about explanations to my behaviours came out.
I struggled with the concept of receiving support and being grateful for it, I would feel uncomfortable & awkward about it as it was a foreign concept to me, to a point where I may push someone away or seek the conversation of someone else who was less inclined to give that support.
I bawked and scoffed when I watched other people open to receiving support, like it was some grotesque act they were committing even to a point of feeling envy because I never understood how one could allow that too happen.
Alot of this explains some of my recent behavior in a group I’m apart of where I watched others receive support and developed envy for both the giver and receiver even jealousy to some extremes.
This is going to be a massive step for me on the road to my goals I now how have to make this apart of the bigger picture, the struggle is real and so is the realisation of why I am the way I am.
Wish me luck.