I associate pain rather than gratitude with friendships my guard goes up after spending a long time of being down and open.
The story I tell myself of friendships is one of disappointment, worthlessness and being used, its a story I wish I didn’t have to tell or share as my guard down has been amazing….well I thought it was, now I just associate my guard down with pain and rejection.
Its like closing the gate to a city on the brink of invasion from outside forces, putting the archers up on the balcony and planks of wood across the entry to the city, that’s what its like for me, my life is like a city on the brink of invasion and rather than opening the doors and inviting one or many in we I shut it hard, no longer is my heart the gateway no longer is my compassion the market upon which one shops and comforts in, no longer is my empathy the stables in which one rests their weary horse in after a tumultuous journey.
My gates are closed, my wall is up and my archers ready to fire at anyone that comes remotely close to me, I have kicked out the no productive members of my community, left the back stabbers within my walls and show them mercy as they say keep your friends close but your enemies even closer.
I no longer wish too battle
I no longer wish too share my throne with that of those whom waste my time.
I am no longer the court jester for ones amusement
I am no longer me.