What happens when your life comes full circle, old behaviors resurface, old attitudes creep their way in, you’ve worked so hard to not go back down that path but inevitably you end up back around to that circle, that point in time where you originally chose to make a difference for the future in your life.
As I try to screw up the picture I have painted for myself and life, I keep unraveling it, something compels me to live by this picture as much as I know its apart of my demise at this point in life, I want to burn this picture but I’m too attached to it causing myself suffering with no one else to blame other than myself.
I allowed those to enter my life, I allowed those to dictate too me how I defined friendships, I must take full responsibility but I don’t want to as I want to blame everyone else other than myself for allowing this all to happen and unfold.
It feels lonely and cold, I try to clutch onto those around me even though I know they’re not good for me even though I know the picture is merely a myth that I have somehow become attached to, It really can feel like a cold and lonely world, I want the warmth of love but can’t love myself enough to bring it into my universe to raise my vibration to act on the law of attraction.
This is my full circle life to date, there has been pain and confusion I removed many people from my life in the push of a button, they were good people not bad but in my heart I felt I deserved better in the sense of how much value I held in their friendships compared to how much they held in me, I know it may sound egotistical but I have spent many a month caring for others through a phone screen, at the drop of a hat a text, a video call it seems that’s what my friendships existed of and no matter how much I got out there in the real world it all seemed to back fire, make a chance encounter with an amazing connection only to have it dissapear.
As much as I wanted to deny myself that everything was merely an experience not to be attached to, I was lonely, purely and utterly lonely.