As I sit here, reflecting and watching life, I realise I am yet to find my passion, whilst I encounter people whom have a direction in life that are seemingly younger than me, I still find myself ultimately without a direction or a passion, I love my career and what it’s become, I love helping people but still within that career I cannot pinpoint a passion that comes out of it.
I don’t know what to study, I don’t know which path to take as Gary Vanyerchuck roughly quotes “Just keep doing until you find something” I’m still doing and still not finding lol, I’ve hit 35 and sometimes feel like time is running out.
Our pursuit of a passion comes through trial and error, persistence and resilience I believe, I know I cannot just settle for a life, but rather I want an experience I want to serve a purpose before leaving this earth, it’s not the size of the purpose but the quality at which you serve your fellow human beings that matter.
Not every battle is fought with bullets and bombs involving blood and guts, some are fought in the silent dark.
Some heroes don’t have medals to show their valor and courage in the line of fire, some heroes have hidden scars, we may never see, some have a, some people fight and fight and survive and never earn a medal and never expect one for their courage in the line of invisible fire and well concealed enemies.
Mental health is that silent in the dark battle that some people are in the trenches with daily, firing off rounds of anxiety and invisible nonexistent enemies, ducking bullets of social life, putting on a bullet proof vest of anti social attitude as to avoid the reality and light of the world.
Sometimes an alli is they need but the radio one pushes to communicate falls silent as the words we want “send help” never come out instead they go on to fight their own battles in the darkness of life’s trenches.
I’m no military expert nor will I ever intend to be I just find this as an easy way to communicate what mental health issues may feel like for some in today’s world.
If you push that button on the radio let the comms know to send you help there is no harm or weakness in requesting fire support for mental health
As I’ve learned recently, we spend so much time painting a picture of the ideal life we should have.
- How our career should be
- How our relationships/love life should be
- How our friendship’s should be
- Basically how life in general should be.
We ultimately create this great big beautiful picture, what happens when it doesn’t come out the way we’ve painted it?
Instead it comes out in a smudged mess like a grade 1 finger painting with no contures, no clarity, no clearly marked sections, we have become so addicted to this image that we are constantly screwing it up with every disappointment but then quickly pulling it back out of the bin because that’s our comfort, that picture, that image is our absolute comfort and fallback as we are afraid to just let go and let the painting in essence paint itself without your hand on the brush.
Nothing ever comes out as it should in life, though we can still have what we want in life we just have to give someone else the paint brush and sit back letting ourselves see the masterpiece unfold.
What happens when your life comes full circle, old behaviors resurface, old attitudes creep their way in, you’ve worked so hard to not go back down that path but inevitably you end up back around to that circle, that point in time where you originally chose to make a difference for the future in your life.
As I try to screw up the picture I have painted for myself and life, I keep unraveling it, something compels me to live by this picture as much as I know its apart of my demise at this point in life, I want to burn this picture but I’m too attached to it causing myself suffering with no one else to blame other than myself.
I allowed those to enter my life, I allowed those to dictate too me how I defined friendships, I must take full responsibility but I don’t want to as I want to blame everyone else other than myself for allowing this all to happen and unfold.
It feels lonely and cold, I try to clutch onto those around me even though I know they’re not good for me even though I know the picture is merely a myth that I have somehow become attached to, It really can feel like a cold and lonely world, I want the warmth of love but can’t love myself enough to bring it into my universe to raise my vibration to act on the law of attraction.
This is my full circle life to date, there has been pain and confusion I removed many people from my life in the push of a button, they were good people not bad but in my heart I felt I deserved better in the sense of how much value I held in their friendships compared to how much they held in me, I know it may sound egotistical but I have spent many a month caring for others through a phone screen, at the drop of a hat a text, a video call it seems that’s what my friendships existed of and no matter how much I got out there in the real world it all seemed to back fire, make a chance encounter with an amazing connection only to have it dissapear.
As much as I wanted to deny myself that everything was merely an experience not to be attached to, I was lonely, purely and utterly lonely.
I associate pain rather than gratitude with friendships my guard goes up after spending a long time of being down and open.
The story I tell myself of friendships is one of disappointment, worthlessness and being used, its a story I wish I didn’t have to tell or share as my guard down has been amazing….well I thought it was, now I just associate my guard down with pain and rejection.
Its like closing the gate to a city on the brink of invasion from outside forces, putting the archers up on the balcony and planks of wood across the entry to the city, that’s what its like for me, my life is like a city on the brink of invasion and rather than opening the doors and inviting one or many in we I shut it hard, no longer is my heart the gateway no longer is my compassion the market upon which one shops and comforts in, no longer is my empathy the stables in which one rests their weary horse in after a tumultuous journey.
My gates are closed, my wall is up and my archers ready to fire at anyone that comes remotely close to me, I have kicked out the no productive members of my community, left the back stabbers within my walls and show them mercy as they say keep your friends close but your enemies even closer.
I no longer wish too battle
I no longer wish too share my throne with that of those whom waste my time.
I am no longer the court jester for ones amusement
I am no longer me.
Experienced a sensation of anger and frustration which I intentionally brought on by revisiting past rejections that have occured in my life, the sensation was scary to say the least, experiencing the power of anger through revisiting those experiences.
I think death is less painful in today’s digital world then that of being rejected, disapproved, turned away, as it damages our self esteem, triggers anxiety and if we let it, can also diminish our self worth, we are social beings by nature, so they need to connect is always strong, we often struggle to connect with ourselves before we connect with the world and we often reject ourselves more than we accept, we starve for connection and belonging and to be rejected starves us even more like a lion that hasn’t fed in days.
Death we can mourn and overcome, yes the pain exists and will for sometime but there is no act of rejection in death, nobody dies as a sign of rejecting someone because its a part if life we all eventually succumb too.
But the pain of rejection, makes us feel like we are being starved of social connectedness so we form an angry perspective on the world and take on the rebellious one man army approach the mighty “I don’t need nobody to accept me” when in fact all that merely is about is exercising your pain suffered through rejection.
How have I dealt with the pain rejection?
Very hard, overtime you build a great resistance to it, until a point where you no longer feel pain but rather release, like a boxer who’s taken many hits you just get back up stronger each time.
Apologies don’t mean your a bad person or always in the wrong just means you take ownership for you at the end of the day.