Well no word of a lie today was abad day, it started with me having an agitated state of mind being agitated at myself for making a decision whilat also knowing that I needed to take ownership for that decision but I just got increasingly agitated.
The graph represents what my day has looked like, most of it because of My own doing, I carried a lot of anger, frustration, annoyance inside me and unfortunately I couldn’t get it under control it just took the words of one person “your pathetic” to send me into an angry rage causing me to let rip on them not knowing they had bigger issues going on.
Attempting to take ownership for it amidst the fire just made it worse m, the apologies just made it worse as then guilt for my actions were thrown into the mix, I went from a few days of riding a High to crashing like a bird out of the sky thudding into the ground, frustrated with not being able to fly.
I haven’t had a bad day like this in yonks and sadly people became collateral damage as a result of that, how do you even handle that bad day especially when collateral damage has been done and you just feel like its easier to hide away from the world, the joys of reaching out through social media certainly has its cons especially when your in abad frame of mind.
A friend told me I should start with saying sorry to myself, where does begin to say sorry to themselves when they struggle to muster up a respectable genuine apology to a friend, I also started questioning my self worth as I felt I’m only ever good enough to be the person of advice even though I knew that wasn’t true I was battling this story in my head all day as well coupled with the anger and guilt I was one big fucken mess.
I may be carrying on but this is just me trying to make sense of it all but in a nonsensical manner.
So I had a little melt down in the early hours of Saturday morning which lasted for a few hours as I felt that my needs hadn’t been met and mostly the last 3-4 weeks I had been fulfilling the needs of everyone else on both a professional and personal level.
I had this idea all along that having needs was selfish and we should constantly be fulfilling others and being continually of service when in reality we have needs we all do from the day we leave the womb we have needs for food, nurturing and comfort to the day we die we have needs for peace, comfort and support as we pass into the next life, the challenge I faced was how do I fulfill my needs?
Especially physical ones? Such as intimacy when its not available, affection and comfort? For those who have those needs available may also struggle with having them fulfilled because of their lack of communication so as one does they expect the world to read their mind much like myself had been doing and that ends up in a boil over of frustrations of emotions.
- YOU mUst take OWNERship for YOUR NEEDS,
- YOU mUst CommunIcate YOUR NEEDS
- YOU mUst fInd a way to fUlfill Needs that YOU can’t have met there and then in an HONEST and CONSIDERATE way that DOESN’T HURT another HUMAN
It’s okay to have needs as we all do but remember ownership and communication is a must without the expectations.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night and overnight and have realised something.
Dating apps and sites seem to market themselves and profiteer on providing that one essential need of the 6 needs we have and that’s connection, as most of us roam this earth never truly experiencing love so we settle for connection instead.
Hence dating apps will commonly use the term connect, connection or connected in some catchy slogan, they match people through interests so you connect, as you can’t match people through love as that’s an internal thing but also what Is love anymore? I believe its been lost in translation and now become over and misused we often use its term to maintain or attract connection aswell.
Dating apps don’t provide love for us neither do they instantly bring us the love of our life as in all honesty we don’t love ourselves enough or we don’t treat ourselves as our own internal one true love, we go out and seek it like the buried treasure that exists as a story in our mind but never physically, spiritually or emotionally.
How well connected with yourself? Ask yourself that next time before seeking connection in the name of love through the dating world.
I have broken many of my previous thought and behaviour patterns, some still a working progress, but I seem to be snagged on this one particular pattern of behaviour and it’s to do with friendships and I often encounter it but yet to break it or retool to manage it.
I’ve always struggled with maintaining friendships, I’ve usually pushed them because I have an ideal of how a friendship should be and it when it doesn’t fall into that ideal I fall off the wagon, I either push them away or shut them out of my life or just pretend everything is okay when in fact it’s not and the underlying behaviour is still prominent, I so badly wish to break this behaviour pattern but I can’t every time I encounter it I fall short and repeat the same behaviour cycle.
I start questioning my worth, am I being used/(if my perception leans this way I push them away) or what’s their agenda, I start creating a really negative story in my head about myself and this person, in most cases I feel it’s easier to just push them away and move on.
I also started asking myself tonight why am I that friend that does all the asking out but never gets asked out, another negative story I have started to tell myself as well, this is proving to be an outright challenge as I love helping people but and don’t want to be that person that helps with expectations or ideals anymore, I cringe at the word friendship sometimes as well or shy from calling anyone a close friend because I know my ideals get the better of me.
Can’t a human being just have awesome friendships where someone is as thoughtful about them as they are about the other I guess my ideals are truly getting the better of me and hopefully one day I will be able to break the behaviour pattern rather than have no faith in human kind.
When you come to think of it, life isn’t really painful at all, it’s the story in which we tell ourselves that makes it seem painful, when in all fact it’s not painful if anything at all at the end of the day.
You can make All the excuses you want about why your life is apparently painful I will still call bullshit as I have someone in my life that’s proven pain is no boundary to living life, odds can be defied when you don’t use pain as a barrier or in some cases as an excuse, we use pain as an excuse to stay comfortable, we use pain as a reason to connect with another, we create our own pain to gain sympathy and empathy so people will come running to us out of obligation.
Yes pain exists but it’s only going to last as long as you chose to let it, don’t let your mind dictate how pain will affect you otherwise you will spend your whole life being a servant to your mind and that very pain will become the epicentre of your life’s story in a bad way.
You have to train your mind and re write the story, recreate the mental blueprint or whatever it is you need to do in your mind in order to seize control of your life.
LOSING 54 kilograms
This has by far been one of my greatest successes in life to date, it brought a lot of challenges and testing times to my life.
My wife at the time was very supportive of me because she was concerned for my health, so I embarked on this journey, the more I enjoyed I became obsessed with it I felt the less support I received from my ex wife, part of it was me not having the skill to prioritize life, gym, family and work so I struggled with it but kept going none the less.
Probably about 2 years after our marriage split I learned to prioritize and balance life better, I did research learned about my body and physical training more and applied those tools to my life on order to overcome that hurdle and I still implement those tools to this day.
2 years into the journey or there abouts our marriage split, so I was faced with many challenges, my motivation, drive and mood went down hill as much as I wanted to get back into the gym I had no idea how to go about, so I took two steps back and started my training back from square one and slowly built my momentum and drive back up that is still going to this day I learned that it was okay to start again.
I also felt further challenged by a lack of moral support and physical as I often trained by myself and never with a training partner as it was a struggle to find one, so I learned to support myself, lift myself and drive myself with every workout I became Comfortable with that and it gave me a sense of personal empowerment that still drives me to this day.
I found training used to get quite stagnant after a while and because I couldn’t afford a trainer I had to find a way to access resources, so I started researching using the internet to a point where I was able to create my own routines and get a better insight into structuring them, this tool has stuck with me ever since and the resourcefullness has also evolved into life outside the gym.
After losing the 54kg I put on some weight and am slowly managing my maintenance of it through consistent action and with purpose that my son will have a healthy father
How can one be expected in today’s modern work place to follow the chain of command when the second link is already broken modern day management = less productivity and more busy and they wonder why good workers leave, it’s because their seeking growth and they can’t do it in a stagnant swamp its like expecting a water based plant to thrive in the desert.
Most chains of commands are weak at the second link, gives ground level leaders little to no confidence in the process, so they eventually lose motivation and stop doing their job above and beyond or they jump a few links in the chain and go to the highest one possible just to get their attention.
Only to be told to make sure he follows the chain of command, the irony of the weakest link in the chain telling someone below them to follow the chain of command, staff need empowerment and if you lack a culture of empowerment from the top, much like a cascading fall it makes its way to the bottom.
That’s where the culture stays and is passed on through successor to successor, when will business open their eyes up and see that culture change starts at the very top, if you set a culture of more busy and less productive once again its going down the chain as well.
As I’ve learned its difficult to empower and support a team when your receiving little to no empowerment from above, it drains you some days but you know if you give up, your not leading by example ultimately and it will set the tone for work standards and mood, a great leader gets hands on no matter what, during chaos they pick up and keep moving with their team in tow, its tough being a leader in today’s modern business culture I think, most will give up and go somewhere else which us understandable and some of us are suckers for pain we find a way to make it work.
Sometimes we have to be that leaderless leader in today’s jungle be it life or work.