As I sit here in the dark, looking out the window of my lounge room, asking myself why do I have this feeling, these feeling of loneliness and envy, the answer eludes me, I know its part of unfinished and un-handled business on my part also.
As I know that this is just an emotion, a feeling and a passing moment that wants to teach me something, an attempt to distract myself is met with mindless scrolling through the news-feed of my Facebook and Instagram accounts, why is this feeling still cropping up, I have become comfortable majority of the time with my own company, I guess deep down I am starving for that connection in a way as well, as connections come every day for most of us, just that connection with a spark is what ignites a fire in us, they seem to wither away like a candle in the wind so to speak or come with the highs and lows like the oceans tide.
I question life itself and these connections, are they too teaching me something, especially when you connect with someone on multiple levels and the energy levels spike, the enthusiasm spikes and then boom it falls, someone retreats like a shadow into the nights darkness, leaves you asking essentially what the hell, how can a connection just like that have the energy zapped out of it so quickly, is it one fearing this is too good to be true? is it one unable to handle the energy and the connection as so much that they run in fear of what could be, that’s where life gets difficult for me, as I thrive on deeper connections, so deep one can get immersed or even lost in it and forget the world around them.
Connection for me isn’t a matter of two people conversing it’s a matter of forgetting the world exists in that very moment, essentially a bubble, an alternate universe and mirror of time and a reflection of that moment, time becomes irrelevant and every word spoken comes with meaning, depth and clarity, my starvation for a deeper connection is like ones starvation for food after exercising without eating, I feel that also the universe is starving me to test me in a way, a game of patience and wits to see if I can hold on to eventually collide with that deep connection that doesn’t just spark and flame out but sparks, flames and grows.