Welcome to my gate way of expression I created this blog with the intent of finding a new way to express my thoughts emotions and views on life as I see it and have experienced it as I am a deep thinker by nature I find myself constantly in thought seeing the world in such a different way to the normal hope you enjoy
Peace Love and Light
After a recent experience where someone raised my past and my reaction was a blow up on the end of a very anxious day.
I have spent the last couple of days processing this all, understanding why I reacted the way I did when my past was raised, why I went into defensive mode, why I imploded.
It has occurred to me
That I never had truly let go of my past, instead I carried it with me through my actions of focusing on trying not to make the mistakes of the past which inevitably lead me to unknowingly making the same mistakes until someone pointed it out, hence my defensive reaction to it, I never took ownership of my past and let it go to form a part of my journey
My Past is mine I made a lot of mistakes, I am not perfect and I accept I have made these mistakes, I have forgiven myself for these mistakes and It is not my problem if people choose to judge me on my past and not see for my present journey, I am not obliged to prove myself anyone that I have grown all I say is just watch me or walk away.
I will not be a prisoner of my own past, I will own it and grow.
“focus on the journey forget the destination” – Andrew Pickering
The answers we search for.come to us at the most unexpected moments mine came whilst showering tonight I decided to embrace myself and give myself some positive affirmation and love it was then my purpose to life struck me like a lightening bolt of positivity and insight to which I felt I must share with the world
Wow have had a wake up call in the last few days about my emotions and feelings and how I’ve managed them, in all honesty it wasn’t until someone pointed it out that all along I didn’t realise I was the one with the wall up without windows and doors.
For sometime I’ve been preaching to others about allowing windows and doors on their wall if they build one in life when really my preaching was simply a reflection of what I wasn’t doing.
I’ve really held back on certain emotions and expressing certain feelings out of fear of losing something or a part of me that I have grown in the last few months, when I reflect back on it in a way I have been pretty emotionless for someone who helps empower and motivate others to get through life.
Sometimes I’ve felt no emotion or feeling at all, I’m preaching love but not feeling it I’m giving love but not feeling it, a lot of the time I provide and receive great insight into this world along with trying to put a philosophical outlook on my experiences.
I’ve been masking my fear of feeling or showing emotions behind a mask of wisdom, philosophy and insight, I feared to face them but rather suppressed them through helping others in hope it would go away.
I fear I will go back to an old state of anxiety and depression if I expressed my feelings and emotions I feared the hurt would send me spiralling downwards in a fit of self pitty and bashing on myself I don’t want to go back there I fear that place in my life I have come so far.
Today hasn’t been the best day internally, I had a part of me I surpressed believing I had dealt with it surface today.
Its caused me some major mental, emotional and logical imbalance, I’ve been in a three way tug o war with my heart head and gut, this is what happens when you don’t face things head on they eventually come around to bite you in the arse and it has I will say.
A part of me has wanted to crycry
A part of me has wanted to act out in anger
A part of me just wanted to escape the world (yep you heard it)
A part of me is hoping this would end quick it I just ride it out.
I still have a lot of healing to do so it seems and every experience brings something new to the surface that I have suppressed.
I had a fear of this insecurity taking over and controlling my way of thinking, I feared if I accepted it thats what would happen, I’ve spoken with the person that my insecurities are directed towards as a part of acknowledging it’s presence, this for me is a second part of the acknowledgement sharing with the world.
The answers won’t all come to me at once I know and as a friend put it, this won’t heal quickly as you would wish and I can’t fight it or ignore it as now it is present.
Why is it in this day and age during our hard or dark times, we think escaping from reality or the darkness will change us or help us in some way, we run from darknesses, thinking upon return we will be healed and the darkness or reality will be gone.
They may appear to be for a period of time cause our minds have been distracted by an alternate reality or escape, but soon it rears itself from a simple past trigger and before you know it your back to that reality of darkness again.
I can personally speak from experiences, as I’ve been down that path with my demons, bad habits and loneliness and quite often when it manifested rather than face it I would escape the reality of It all through taking a break or going offline thinking that should fix it.
When in fact all I was truly doing was giving power to the darkness and the reality I didnt want to face, allowing it to grow and become more powerful, the more I ran the bigger it got until I realized I had to face these things one by one, embrace these darkness’s walk with them knowing there will be light and once I started doing this I felt healing and inner strength.
You must embrace your darkness, as its apart of your reality, give it acceptance, allow yourself to walk with it into the light and soon you will be healed just trust the journey.
Never forget A plant grows in both dark and light as we do